


Some things cannot be changed

by Yusa1101



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I suck at doing fights, Night, Yato kagura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22889263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yusa1101/pseuds/Yusa1101
Summary: Events take place after Yoshiwara arc. Kagura was enduring the effects after her awakening when she fought with Abuto. It seems like she cannot hold it anymore
Relationships: Kagura/Okita Sougo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	Some things cannot be changed

'Blood..' The words kept echoing in her mind. Ever since her short encounter with the veteran yato, she yearns for blood. No, she needs blood. The feelings both excites and haunting her. 

It's as if someone else was penetrating her mind, yearning the sensation of the battle. Her yato self. The person she dreaded the most. The person she hates the most. Again, she cannot contain her. Kagura's consciousness was almost like a child, shriveling in fear to the monster in her. 

If Shinpachi had not stop her, she may lost every bit of self conscious she have left, consuming herself to the yato's killer instincts, turning her into vicious beast. 

She shudders at the thought. 'No, I will not lose to myself ever again' but her mind screams, wanting to taste the sweet wine red blood, the metallic scent and the warm liquid sprayed across her face as she slaughter her victims. She shakes her head, trying to remove the thoughts,'No, I don't want to kill'

In the confinement of her own closet, she tried to sleep but ultimately useless. Her mind was restless and it starting to hurt her, 'Make it stop, Gin-chan, Shinpachi.' She cupped her ears with her hand. It's already night. She can even hear Gintoki's snoring in the next room. 

She slide her closet door open and went to his room. Once she outside, she tried to open the door, but immediately stop on her track, telling herself that it's dangerous. Seeing a person, a living person defenseless. Killing him will be so easy. Imagining his silver white hair covered in blood. She shook her head. 'No, I won't kill Gin-chan. I won't.' 

She back away from the doorframe, not wanting to take risk of her current self. She may kill him, without even realizing it until it's over. The sight of his body covered in blood, with guts all over his room and the face of pure horror making her nauseous. 'I can't do this. It hurts. Someone... Please help me.'

She ran quietly to the kitchen. Picking up one of the kitchen knife, she cut her wrist, hoping that it will calm her nerves. Blood start flowing out from the wound and she can feel the excitement upon looking at the red liquid. Almost as if her inner demon slowly resurfaced. 'No good. I can't stay here for now'

She look at her wounds and the blood that start to spill on the kitchen floor with some colouring her pajama's sleeves She admits that looking at it does excites the beast within her but the familiar stinging pain also helps to keep her from losing herself. She walk out of the kitchen leaving the knife on the cabinet without even bothering to clean the blood.

She slide the front door open. Maybe a walk may help her calm. She have a good look at the living room. Sadaharu is sleeping soundly on the couch. She close the door without even reaching out for her umbrella.

A few minutes passed and Sadaharu woke up, his ears twitching. His nose caught the lingering scent of blood, sensing something terrible is gonna happen.

Kagura walk slowly across the silent street of Kabuki district. It's already 2 in the morning and most of the shops are close. Even the late night bars was closing their curtains. What lucky timing.

She is not in her best appearance. Wearing crumpled pajamas with blood sticking out from the sleeves. Her hair was a mess, without wearing her usual hair ornament and letting her hair freely riding the wind. 

Somehow she felt lonely. Walking alone in the night, bathing only in the moonlight but it's comforting nonetheless. Perfect fitting for a beast like her. 'I guess being a yato really means copping up with loneliness' 

She remember the time when Papi came to visit her a few months back. How she told him that she wanna change herself, to protect and not killing others. Restricting herself from unleashing those horrible chains. She almost lost herself from fighting that yato back in Yoshiwara and now...this. Tears now started flowing from her ocean blue eyes out of frustration. "Can I really change? Is Papi right after all?" If this keeps up, she would destroy this place and just like that, her best will be gone. 

Her thoughts been filled with nothing but fear. Is it impossible? Her mask keep falling. The cheerful girl she always been is now gone.

Before she knew it, she's already at the bridge. Her favourite place to go when she feels depressed. Since it's night, the moon shine brighter and she can clearly see the river sparkling from the light as it flows to the horizon. 

Suddenly her body start shaking violently. Is it because of the cold? 'Blood' she can't even suppress it. The words kept echoing, almost driving her mad. 'Stop it. I don't want to kill anybody.' It's no use, maybe due to lack of sleep, her consciousness start to fade and her pure strength cannot control it. 

Her vision start to blur as her body still shaking. Cupping her ears with her hand, she tried to breathe normally but everytime she did, it gets harder and harder. Kagura hug her knees, not wanting to look up as she leans against the wooden bridge. 'Please make it stop.'

Suddenly, she heard several footsteps coming her way.

"What are you doing here? It's already late." Kagura froze. A policeman? Or is it a Ronin? A terrorist? Is he armed? Millions of questions running through her mind but one thing for sure is that he's not alone. 

Not long before her body stops shaking and a smile crept into her face. She lifts her head, revealing a sinister smile and bloodshot eyes. Bloodlust overflowing her once sweet face. 

XX

"2000 of hijikata's stupid corpse... 2001 of hijikata's rotten corpse... 2002 of hijikata's dumbass corpse." Sougo slowly sit up removing his eyemask. He ran his finger through his hair. "Damnit, I still can't sleep."

He slide his door open for some night air. The night is silent just like any other night, but he felt different today. The silent is deafening but there's a sudden chill in the air. His body is tense. Something is happening but then again he may just imagining things. 

He stood up after giving up trying to sleep. Stretching himself before slowly walking out of the Shinsengumi compound. Bringing along his trusted katana, he stroll around the neighbourhood. "Nothing seems to be out of ordinary."He thought to himself. 

As he walk past several street, he realize something odd. He's been walking but he did not encounter any police officers patrolling the night street. It's awfully quiet. Too quiet.

He doesn't waste any time as he started running to find the source of his uneasiness. He ran until he stopped at a corner because of the smell of blood enveloping the area. His instincts told him to go back, alerted to the dangers but he move on. The familiar scent is getting stronger with every steps he take until he reach the bridge. 

He froze. He can see corpses of men lying along the bridge. Lifeless. Blood splattered in every inch he could think of, walls, ground and the river was red. It's almost like a massacre. Ronin, police officers and even civilians were all slaughtered. It's a bit sickening though this is not the first time he's seen corpses. In fact, he's seen countless of them due to his line of work. Okay, that's not the problem.

The problem is who is responsible for all this killing spree?

He doesn't need to think long when a familiar vermillion haired girl appeared in front of him. As if sensing a breathing human that has yet to be killed. Smilling from ear to ear with bloodshot eyes. Hair covered with dark red blood. Her clothes stains. She almost look like a mindless zombie.

"China." Just as he said those words, Kagura leaped at him with the intent to punch him, targeting his chest.Sougo was fast enough to read her intention and barely dodge her attack, causing her to punch the ground. She started her second attack but Sougo already back away from her. Their distance is merely a few meters away and he was careful in keeping his distance from her. Again, she tried to punch him but but as he dodged her, her fist made contact with the bridge, causing both of them to fell into the water. Sougo can't take it anymore.

"China, the hell is wrong with you?" She didn't answer, instead she gave a chilling laugh at him. Trails of blood washed out from her hair, while bodies still floating aimlessly at the battle site. Sougo draw out his sword, knowing full well that talking won't do him any good. A nervous smile crept around his face. Her strength and speed greatly increases but thankfully her moves were easy to read so he had better chance at dodging her attacks. Though he doubt his survival if her attacks ever land directly on him. For now, he can only be on the defensive.

With Kagura's state of mind, he can only hope he would survive this somehow. Unable to control that montrous strength, just one hit can literally kill him. Or at least, a hella injury that probably takes months to heal. 

However, the more he fight, the easier it is for him to read her moves. He took noticed the wounds on her hand, considering that she rarely use it to attack but more in defense. Noting it, he use his sword to stab her hand to the ground while using his other hand to hold on to the injured one. He use his body weight to immobilize her. Since her body is small, it is easy for him. He look at her. "Oi, china stop with this game and wake up already."

She didnt answer, she laugh before lifting her stabbed hand. Even when her hand was pierced, it didn't stop her from grabbing the sword to free herself. She didnt even seem to suffer the pain, letting her blood splatter across her face. Sougo immediately released her and jumped back before she intended to kick him. 

She proceed to throw the sword at him but he dodge while skillfully retrieving it. Not too long before Kagura almost landed a blow at him but easily deflected by shielding himself with his sword, causing it to be cut in half. However, her punches were strong enough to sent him flying a few metres back, resulting him to collide with a brick wall. His head was furiously bleeding upon the harsh impact. 

Grunting from the immense pain, he quickly stood up. Kagura was running towards him and Sougo didn't waste time using the leftover blades on his hand to stab her fist while grabbing her injured hand in the process, pinning her to the wall"Hey, knock it off already. Do you really want me to die?"

He picked a sword scattered around and quickly umsheathed it. His intention is to immobilize her but it's extremely difficult considering that his opponent is more or less unstable. The only way he can reduced her punch is by injuring her hands. Even that it's not very effective though it did something. 

He used his leg to trip her and she fell to the water. She twist her leg in an attempt to trip him but he's already stepped back. "This is bad." Kagura jumped at him but since she's injured both hands, her punches become weaker but enough to knock him down. 

He fell hard to the water and Kagura took this chance to grab his throat. As Sougo struggling to breath, he manage to grab a sword's scabbard and push it's end towards her stomach. The impact to let go of him and held her pained stomach. He rose up immediately, grab both her hands and pinned her to the ground. He was tired and breathless but his grip tightens. In between breaths, "hey, stop this already. I'm already tired enough." She didn't answer except struggling herself to let go. "Do you want this to happen? Do you want to kill all this people? Can you hear me? Hey, China!"

Kagura didn't seem to hear his voice as she still trying to wriggled her body out. "No good, huh?" He bit his lips. What else can he do? Is she never going back to normal?

He used every ounce of his energy to restrain her body, risking his body open to injuries she may inflict him because of the close contact. His head pounding from the pain earlier. "Wake up!"He yelled, hoping she heard him. "Kagura!"

XX

'Do you really think you can change?'  
'Do you really think you can get rid of me?'

"STOP IT! MAKE IT STOP!" The voice in her head endlessly echoes. It's dark. She can't see anything. "Please... Make it stop." She cupped her ears, desperately wanting it to end.

'Admit it, you can't do anything without me. Can you even defeat that yato without my help?'  
'I am you, you are me. I'll always be with you.'  
'You can't be strong without me.'

"Stop it.." She's pleading endlessly for it to end.

Aside from the deafening voice running through her mind, there's voices she dread hearing. She can hear countless screams coming from different people. It led to another until everything was dead silent.

The smell of blood started triggering her senses. 

"Did I..." She has no way to know. Wherever she is, she can't get out. She can't even see the way out. It's as if she was blinded by the darkness surrounding her. Again, she can only cried for help. "Why is this happening to me? Why me?" 

She was on the Brink of exhaustion. Her current body was being controlled by the beast chained within her. 

"Do you want this to happen?" A familiar voice filled with desperation rang through her mind. The other voices drowned over his. She doesn't need any second guess to know who he is. The person she hates the most. 

"No."

"Do you really want to kill all this people?"

'Kill.' she bite her lips. She can feel her body trembling. Her voice croaked. 

"No."

"Can you hear me?"

She was now crying. "Y.. Yes"

Save me...

Why is he... She can't even imagine all the injuries she inflicted to him.

She stood up, wiping her tears. I want to wake up. She doesn't care about the voices playing with her sanity. All she wanted is to be back to normal.

XX

In an instant, Kagura felt like an electricity shot through her body as her pupils slowly dilate. She gasped as she finally came to her senses. That's when she saw him on top of her. "Sadist?" Sougo was relieved, slowly loosing the tight grip he had before letting go of her arms. "Finally."

Kagura scanned her surroundings. She's in the water. The bridge collapse with tons of bodies floating and the sickening smell of blood lingering in the air. She stared in horror. Looking straight at her now bloodied hands. She even glanced at him, worried that she might inflicted worst injuries to him. No doubt that it was all her own doing. Her pajamas and hair were a bloody mess. 

She's shaking, her body violently shakes, not from her lust but from the fear of herself. "Did I... do this?" She doesn't even need the answer. She knows but Sougo nodded anyway. It hurts to know it.

"Seriously, are you having your period or something?" He shake his head, expecting at least a punch at him but nothing happened. He look at her and saw her eyes flowing with tears. He flinched. 

"I... I did it again. I lost again." Kagura cupped her face with her hands. She doesn't even bother about Sougo's presence, the worst person she wants to see her in that state. 

"I can't control myself. I'm a monster. I don't want to kill people. I don't want to hurt people. I... can't stop myself." She was frustrated at herself as tears rapidly flowing down her cheeks. She lightly punch the ground, making her already injured hand to slowly covered in fresh blood."Why!? I promise not to lose again. I promise that I'll be strong. In the end, it's for nothing."

Sougo who's been silently listening tried understanding her situation. "Hey, it's not your fault.. It's just means that you need to be stronger." It's quite unusual for him to say that. Being the sadist he is, he would never tried to comfort someone, much less that person happens to be Kagura. But seeing her depressed and crying annoyed him for some reason. 

Kagura lift her head to face him. His crimson eyes reflected on her ocean blue eyes. Her tears shined from the moonlight. Her lips quiver, "How? I feel weak. Why am I the only one like this? I... I don't know what am I supposed to do. Sadist...what should I do?"

Her eyes filled with despair which disgust him. The girl who's always smile. The strong girl who's always picking fights with him. The girl who brought the inner child in him. The girl who fought beside him. Where is she now? All of her usual self. 

Before he knew it, his hand instinctively moved towards her trembling body, firmly embracing it. 

"Wha... What are you doing?" She was about to push him away but his tighten grip and her injured hand won't do the job. 

"Cry all you want, you idiot. " He lift one of his hand to stroke her hair. He did not mind the blood sticking out from her hair or the wet sensation he felt as her tears slowly soaking his kimono or the fact that they were literally on water."You can't change the things you were born with and that's a fact." 

"You don't have to deny it and you don't have to accept it. You just need to get even stronger so it won't consume you again." That's the only word he can give to comfort her. "But next time...don't cry for the same reason again. "

Kagura who was tensed up by the sudden contact slowly relaxed herself and give in to the hug. She chuckled. "Did I hit your head a bit too hard? It's not you." The warmth of his body soothe her feelings. For once, she doesn't feel the bloodlust lurking in her mind, but rather a sense of comfort as his body pressed against hers.

"Yeah, and it's hurts damnit." Sougo stroked her head in an attempt to calm her down.

They were silent at the moment, with only her crying noise fill up the area. She gripped on the hem of his kimono, letting all her frustration washed away by her tears. No doubt that she wants this. The comfort of someone, without her thinking of killing that said person. Even if it's with the sadist, the person she hate. 

"I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of being alone. This hopeless feeling, I dread it... Sadist, are you...afraid of me?" Sougo doesn't expect her question. He look at her small figure, her tears and her vulnerable state. She doesn't look like the beast that almost killed him just a few minutes ago. His voice soften,"why would I be afraid of you? You're the one who should be afraid of me. Besides you're not alone, you have danna, megane, that big ass dog of yours." 'And me.' But he didn't mention it in front of her. 

"It hurts, I was in the dark. No one else was there except a deafening voice chanting 'blood', echoing in my ears. I cried for help, wanting it to stop." Her voice hitched at the thought of it.

"I heard your voice calling my name.. Thank you."

Sougo did not responds, he didn't have to. Though, he smile at the thought of her thanking him, probably due to her change in attitude towards him that night. Usually she would just beat him up or throw some insults at him. Well, he can't blame her after the whole incident. 

Kagura leans her head on his chest. Listening to his heartbeat is comforting she does not want to let go. Sougo doesn't seem to mind as he pulls her closer, embracing her figure until their body literally pressed against each other. They stayed in that position for a few minutes before Sougo heard the light snores coming from her. 

She had peaceful look even with dried tears draping across her face. It seems like it's been a long time since she had a good night sleep. 

"Idiot China... I'm still a guy you know." He stroke her hair before planting a small kiss on her forehead. He lifted her injured hand, inspecting her bloodied hand. "Well, I guess it's okay this time."

Sougo stood up carrying her in his arms. He started walking slowly towards Yorozuya. Dragging his feet as he tried his best to remain conscious. Maybe because of his head injuries, he is starting to feel lightheaded. Since half of his strength is used to carry her, he had to use the remaining half to keep his consciousness intact. 

Thank goodness he did not have to walk further when he saw a familiar permed head running in front of him, looking distressed. "Kagura!"

Gintoki immediately saw the two of them and rushed to their side. He gasped seeing the state they're in. "Okita-kun, what happened? Why are you badly injured? And why are you both together so late at night? Don't tell me you did this and that with her?" Gintoki was concerned as he gently took Kagura from Sougo.

"Danna, don't worry. She's just sleeping. I was having a night walk and bumped into her. Although it's not the sight I expected." 

"What happened?"

"She's going berserk, like a monster. She was killing people. Ronin, civilian and even police. She doesn't even recognize me and suddenly attack. What was that?"

Gintoki looked at Kagura's peaceful sleeping face. The little girl he considered as a daughter. The cheerful, gluttonous girl that he took care of. The beast reside within her. His face remained calm, finally understood,"Do you know why the Yato clan is feared as the strongest clan? Besides their physical strength, they also have chains that bind their inner demon inside them. Once their chains broke, they're just mindless monsters."

He sigh, thinking back at the incident happened in Yoshiwara. "Kagura here, broke hers and almost killed a Yato. Since then, Kagura trained hard so it won't happen again. I'm not really there to witness the scene but Shinpachi told me and managed to snapped her out of it. I'm guessing...you did the same?"

Sougo quietly walked, thinking back about the scene he just witnessed, and the fight he had with her. "I guess so." He shifted his gaze to her hands. Most of the blood already dried by now. "I noticed her hands was injured way before. It's most likely not from the corpses since most of them were killed before they even draw their weapons."

Gintoki looked at her hands and noticed her bloodied sleeves. Thinking back, he remembered the blood in the kitchen. "Actually, I woke up when Sadaharu kept barking nonstop. I felt it's odd for him to do that. That's when I noticed her gone and the kitchen's floor has drops of blood on it. I assumed she was kidnapped in the middle of the night amd immediately ran out. I think she did inflict this on purpose."

Sougo just nod, satisfied. He turned his back. "Thanks danna." He took his leave. 

Gintoki was concerned seeing his injured head, "hey, Okita-kun. Are you sure you okay walking back in that state?"

He didn't even look back and just wave at him. Gintoki sigh, looking at his dissapearing figure,"what a difficult guy."

He look at Kagura's peaceful face. She looks like the Kagura he knows, drooling and lightly snores. "Seriously, that baldy will kill me if he knew about this."

He started walking back, carrying her in his arms. 

On the other hand, sougo was walking back to the shinsengumis'. He sigh, his head throbbing from the pain on his head. "now how am I supposed to report this? Might as well take a leave then."

Finally he get some sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, it's me again. Thank you for taking the time to read. Since Yoshiwara arc, I've been hoping that her yato mode awakened again. I really what Sougo's reaction would be like when he saw her. It's quite interesting. I hope you enjoy it


End file.
